Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
