Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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