Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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