you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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