Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
