A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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