Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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