she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
