i always forget guys have bellybuttons
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
