Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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