I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
