I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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