It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
barbara walters just said penis...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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