I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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