Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
