One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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