I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
