Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
