Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
