I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
