today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize