my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's like heaven, but drunker
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
