she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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