i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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