Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
