You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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