Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
