Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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