dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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