I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
