When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You pole danced in your parka.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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