i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
