My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
