Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
