Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
