Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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