Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
