i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
