He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
