Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
