Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
