I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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