I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
