someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
