we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
