i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
