do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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