I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
