i need an iv and a liver transplant
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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