Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
