I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
