i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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