Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
