Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
