Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
