ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
